Three Communication Skills
Like the father in the story, you may get those same one-word responses from your teen. You have the same old “conversations” every day with the same old predictable outcome. Here are three time-tested skills that are foundational to all good communication.
Skill #1: Think Win-Win
Think Win-Win is Habit 4 of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People®. It’s easy to fall into the habit of not caring about what your teen wants when you just want to make it simple and tell him or her the way it’s going to be and that’s that. Not exactly a win for both of you, is it? When you “lay down the law” without regard to how your child feels or what he thinks, you are opening yourself up for war on the home front.
You’ve got to care about what your teen wants, too. Ironically, when you care about what your teen wants, you’ll end up getting more of what you want in the end. Both of you will win and your relationship will keep growing stronger.
When you and your teen don’t see eye to eye or when you really want to persuade him or her to see your point of view, try using a T chart. You can do it in your head or write it down. On one side, list what the win is for you. On the other side, list what you think the win is for your child.
Think of a time when using the T chart below would have helped a situation with your teen. Fill in the wins for each of you and then talk to your teen and see if you are right about what would have been a win for him or her. Ask if he or she would be willing to use this next time you are in a similar situation.
Skill #2: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
This is Habit 5 of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Simply put, it means to listen first and then talk. Let me share an excellent example of this. This story illustrates how we must listen with our heart and not just with our mind and ears.
My youngest daughter, Amy, had just taken up golf. She proved such a natural talent that she rose through the ranks until she made the varsity golf team at school even though she was only a freshman with about eighteen months of experience.
One afternoon at work, I received a frantic phone call from her. She was almost breathless as she described what seemed to be a life-and-death situation. “Mom, I just found out that I have to wear soft spikes at the tournament tomorrow. Soft spikes, Mom. I only have hard spikes. They’re not going to let me play in hard spikes, Mom. Mom, what am I going to do?” she wailed.
I wanted to put on my tights and cloak and fly off to her rescue. On the other hand, I couldn’t understand why she was so upset. So, in I blundered, “You know, honey, we’re the same size and I have two pair of soft spikes. You can just borrow mine.”
“Oh, Mom, that’s not going to work. That won’t work. I can’t play in your shoes.”
Something about her voice clued me in. I realized there was something more than softspiked shoes going on here. I had tried to solve the problem before I even knew what the real problem was. So I backtracked and tried again. “Honey, you sound really agitated.”
Suddenly she burst into tears, “Mom, my first eighteen-hole tournament ever. I’m so scared!” Ah, now the phone call became crystal clear. She was using the golf shoes as the impetus to be able to talk to me about how she was feeling. Luckily rather than trying to solve her pseudo-problem, I was able to pause and listen. I allowed Amy to share her anxiety in a safe way. And yes, she wore my shoes, did great in the tournament, and is still golfing three years later.
This situation is all too common, isn’t it? So often there is something much deeper going on inside of people than what they initially say. When there is, people often ask questions. If you really listen with your heart you will usually sense a deeper need behind the question. If you attempt to reflect that feeling or need as best you can while answering the questions, the other person will feel affirmed and validated in such a way that he or she will usually open up. It’s like giving your teen oxygen!
When you really listen, you are acting as a mirror. You reflect. This is simply repeating in your own words what the other person is saying and feeling. The goal is not to mock, like parroting, but to really understand.
Just like the father in the first story, sometimes the best thing you can do is be silent. You’re not ignoring, you’re absorbing what your teen has said and giving him or her the opportunity to fully express feelings without being cut off.
To the left is the traditional Chinese character for listening. Notice that listening involves more than just your ears; it also requires your eyes and heart.
Skill #3: Synergize
So, you now want a win for both of you and you are truly listening to your teen. Still hitting roadblocks? Whether you believe me or not, you can usually find a third option—a new and better way. You just have to be willing and mature enough to talk it through. This is called Habit 6: Synergize® of the 7 Habits.
When you and your teen disagree about something, try finding a solution that works for both of you. You can always find good options if you talk openly. The five simple steps in the diagram to the left will help you get there.
As you probably noticed, Think Win-Win and Seek First to Understand are built right into this action plan. These three habits work together. I’m not saying this is always easy! But sometimes it is. Solutions to disagreements always exist if you talk it through. Synergy takes patience and effort, but it works.
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